Past few weeks I have been very lost … not exactly sad but really really lost! Confused you can say… but not exactly that way coz I am straightened up in my head… and been busy too so never really got the time to sit down and dissect my state of mind until today of course…
My problem is that I am an incorrigible person. I never learn. Neither from my mistakes nor from others’ mistakes… I many a times calling something as a “lesson learnt the hard way” but again find myself doing the same thing over n over again…!
So in the past few days or weeks may be what I have been doing is that I am following my heart and doing exactly what I want to do, without much ado… but in turn I am making my very happiness dependent on others..! In a good way mostly but I am doing that…and I know it’s wrong! It is so very wrong… esplly if you love that other person, how can you ever burden them with this? This idea that your happiness is in their hands... Isn’t that being selfish? Like so very selfish!!!
So today after I am done analyzing my state my mind, I am deciding that my state of mind is not gonna be anything but “Happy”!!! Coz happiness after all, however cliqued it might sound, IS MOST definitely a state of mind…
Giving away, expressing, loving, caring, being there, understanding….all of this, I do, coz I get a good feeling out of this…!! I agree, as a human being I am bound to expect and when expectation are not fulfilled I am bound to get hurt, so let it be! That fear of getting hurt, should not and WILL NOT change who or how I am!!!!!
I am no more going to be lost or confused or sad…coz that’s not what I deserve after doing exactly what my heart wanted me to do…if I know I have done no wrong, if I know what I did; gave me a good feeling, if I know I did the very same that I wanted to do, why should it depend of its result to be complete? It is as difficult as easy it sounds, but I am gonna give it a good shot… I am gonna keep the two events separate!!! Something like this:
1. I did what I wanted to do
2. I got whatever the other person wanted to give/do.
These two things are two separate events, executed by two different people, at different times, with different point of view and understanding so they cannot be the part of the same event and because the second one is not something I expected it to be, it is not gonna let me down…feel blue or lost or sad or confused or devastated…
I need to believe again that I WILL NEVER BE GIVEN PAIN THAT I CANNOT TAKE…!!!
So I am gonna take chances
Do hell if I fail!
I am gonna love,
Do hell if I don’t get it back!
I am gonna chase the sunshine,
Do hell if I burn my skin a li’l!
I am gonna be there for the people who matter to me,
Do hell if I am left alone in dark!
I am gonna care for the things that need care,
Do hell if my needs are never catered to!
I am gonna dream on,
Do hell if I fall flat on my face!
I am gonna express how I am feeling,
Do hell if I am judged!
I am gonna share my feelings,
Do hell if I am rendered vulnerable!
J I am gonna smile, come what may… I am gonna hope, at every cost… I am gonna never stop being me – no matter however strong the luring is to be someone else!!!!