The Moral Compass

There have been times when I have hated myself for being the way I am. Not physically – that’s an entirely different realm; but more emotionally – messed up in my head. I feel like the way I am in my head, makes me so fragile - easy to break. Hurt. Shatter even. It’s not easy to know how you feel at every juncture in your life and confront those emotions head on. But I do it, not for anyone else but for myself. So as to know where I stand in life, to assess myself and introspect honestly, when need be. Because, if I can’t do that, I don't think I can ever write. Emotions can turn into words on life-like canvas only when the colours are of honesty I believe. And I cannot afford to ever let that go. I may wear masks as soon as I wake up for the world around me including my first circle of friends and family but when with myself, I should exactly know who and how I am. And most of the times, I do know that. I am not always pleased or proud of it but at least I know. But it makes me think, I have come a long way in the way I think, the way I feel, the way I understand myself. There was I time I remember when my demarcations of moral and immoral – black and white – right and wrong was so watertight, absolutely rigid. And so were my emotions attached to these. But now, I have come to believe, the world is all but grey. There is nothing completely white or entirely black. What may look as totally wrong might have hints of right in it waiting to be discovered and vice versa. you can hardly ever be cent percent sure as to what is right and what is not. I have come to believe that morality is merely an individual choice. What is moral for me may not exactly be moral for the next person – be it my partner or my own parents. They are different people and they CAN have their own rights and wrongs. I have also put my parents on a level pedestal unlike the past where they were on the highest pedestal in my world. In my eyes they could not – SHOULD not do any wrong. But times changed and I am now starting to realize, they are as human as I am and they cannot always be right. They can make mistakes and have their own realm of good and bad. And it is none of my business to judge them on those grounds. If there is something that they have done/said which is wrong in my books, I have a choice to accept that as it is or despise it but that in no way gives me the right to put them in a box and behave in a certain manner, they do not deserve. But coming to think about it, can I apply the same logic for my spouse? Can I say that what he does in his life is none of my business and that what is wrong for me may or may not be right for him? And that if ever such time comes, I would be able to accept that and not judge him? Or would that be a bitter instance that will bring out the worst in me?

Only time can tell, it would be wrong to say that for now because you cannot learn all of life’s lessons in a fortnight!