The Moral Compass

There have been times when I have hated myself for being the way I am. Not physically – that’s an entirely different realm; but more emotionally – messed up in my head. I feel like the way I am in my head, makes me so fragile - easy to break. Hurt. Shatter even. It’s not easy to know how you feel at every juncture in your life and confront those emotions head on. But I do it, not for anyone else but for myself. So as to know where I stand in life, to assess myself and introspect honestly, when need be. Because, if I can’t do that, I don't think I can ever write. Emotions can turn into words on life-like canvas only when the colours are of honesty I believe. And I cannot afford to ever let that go. I may wear masks as soon as I wake up for the world around me including my first circle of friends and family but when with myself, I should exactly know who and how I am. And most of the times, I do know that. I am not always pleased or proud of it but at least I know. But it makes me think, I have come a long way in the way I think, the way I feel, the way I understand myself. There was I time I remember when my demarcations of moral and immoral – black and white – right and wrong was so watertight, absolutely rigid. And so were my emotions attached to these. But now, I have come to believe, the world is all but grey. There is nothing completely white or entirely black. What may look as totally wrong might have hints of right in it waiting to be discovered and vice versa. you can hardly ever be cent percent sure as to what is right and what is not. I have come to believe that morality is merely an individual choice. What is moral for me may not exactly be moral for the next person – be it my partner or my own parents. They are different people and they CAN have their own rights and wrongs. I have also put my parents on a level pedestal unlike the past where they were on the highest pedestal in my world. In my eyes they could not – SHOULD not do any wrong. But times changed and I am now starting to realize, they are as human as I am and they cannot always be right. They can make mistakes and have their own realm of good and bad. And it is none of my business to judge them on those grounds. If there is something that they have done/said which is wrong in my books, I have a choice to accept that as it is or despise it but that in no way gives me the right to put them in a box and behave in a certain manner, they do not deserve. But coming to think about it, can I apply the same logic for my spouse? Can I say that what he does in his life is none of my business and that what is wrong for me may or may not be right for him? And that if ever such time comes, I would be able to accept that and not judge him? Or would that be a bitter instance that will bring out the worst in me?

Only time can tell, it would be wrong to say that for now because you cannot learn all of life’s lessons in a fortnight!

DEPRESSION

Depression is a strong word. Very strong. But in today's world perhaps we have lost its meaning. As if our entire perception has gone down the drain.

A little trouble to get by and we say we are 'depressed'.
One wrong step towards the goal and we feel we are 'depressed'.
That crush din't mirror our feelings and hell we are slipping into a huge 'depression'.
An argument we din't expect (with a loved one, with the manager, with a friend) and we sink in the seat feeling 'depressed'.
A cherished dream's wings are jaded and we want to run and hide...why? of course, because we are depressed.

If only depression was just that. If only....
All of the above are unpleasant feelings but they all are called either RAGE, ANGER, ANXIETY, BITTERNESS, FRIGHT, FEAR, HELPLESSNESS, NERVOUSNESS or STRESS etc....

Depression is a whole lot bigger than all these. it bears much more to it. Depression is not something you 'slip into' just like that, nor something you can get out of easily. Depression is a trap that lures you in meticulously and gradually and not until it has its claws deep inside you - tearing you apart do you actually realise the horrifying truth - that maybe you are depressed.

Depression breaks people, not just their dreams. Depression haunts people - much worse than a one off nightmare. We are only belittling the depths and horrors of depression by associating it with every sad and distressful event.

Somethings can be tremendously heart wrenching and make you cry out loud day in-day out but still not necessary it is synonymous to the dark feeling of depression. It really is sad to see depression becoming a 'fad'. Almost everyone is glamorising it - glorifying it in the process of raising awareness for it. It's sad to see people using it for moment in limelight - for a fraction of fame. Like if you say you are depressed, it means everything in life is a scary mess and that you truly need all the sympathy and attention in the world. Whereas in reality, i believe, the people who are truly depressed are lonely and the feeling of not being able to tell anyone how they really feel is eating them alive. Those who have truly 'suffered' with depression know way too well how tormenting it is. It's a dark dark place. A dungeon that has no sliver of hope or ray of light shining far away. It's infinite darkness and the only smiles are the fake one plastered on their faces to fool everyone around them.

It certainly isn't a feeling one can openly share. Party because of the lack of awareness for it and partly because of too much of it, so much so that these days depression is no longer a sanctuary of demons but just another 'get on with it' feeling which no one seems to take on seriously. And because not everyone actually 'suffers' from it - they can never put themselves in others' shoes to gauge the magnitude of its intensity. No one can....

That's the simple but the bitter harsh truth.

Nostalgia

It has been a while since i made an effort to revisit the beautiful and sometimes haunting memory lane of my life that define who i am in so many ways. It has been a while since i let my past take over my present and who i have now become, that i had almost forgotten the taste of those bittersweet tears that pluck up in your eyes the moment you think of something that held so much importance for you in the past. Something that you would have thought would be impossible to live without and here you are, having moved on from all that, living a complete different life. May be not as good or as bad in some corners but completely different.

Today was one such day when i let myself get lost in the meadows of nostalgia. Breathing in the freshness of the vivid colours of the memories that flooded and exploded in my head like a rush of infinite sparks. And oh i am glad i did. I had forgotten that at times you need it. You need to remember and reminiscence the time gone by. To let the breeze of good old days touch you and make you feel more alive than you may already feel. Let the crisp memories drenched in your former self whisper to you that its okay. That change is the only constant thing and its okay. You have come far in life and you are in an almost happy place and its okay. Its okay to look back every once in a while and smile at the bygones. Its okay to feel that tinge of guilt or regret for the decisions not taken or the choices not made or those unspoken words or of those frozen tears that were never shed. I think it only makes you stronger.

Letting the tears you have tucked away; freely flow only lightens the burden in your chest and clear your vision. It only helps you feel better about today, take control of yourself and makes you more determined that what you are doing now, where you are now is how it was supposed to be and that you should be thankful. Thankful for all the emotions you got to feel. All the experiences you got to learn. All the events you got to enjoy. All the exploring you got to do while being on this journey called life.

I decided to connect to those lost friends today, the friends that once shaped my life in a way that i never imagined it could be shaped. Reached out to a few that were so close to my heart at one point that i never really imagined my life without them being in it. But things happen, priorities change and life gets in way. We all have our battles to fight, struggles to endure and not everyone can cope with it to always stay in touch with everyone that is precious. But time and again i had this stabbing pain in my heart for the souls i knew were out there, souls who once meant the world to me, souls i knew somewhere in the corner of my heart; missed me as much as i missed them.

And while doing so, i felt a certain calm seeping into me. It made me more aware of my surroundings and where i am, not physically, but emotionally. Engaged my feelings in a way that only i could understand. Something that ebbed and flowed only within me. There was still a friend out there who i spoke with after years but started off where we left it. There was still a friend out there who remembered the way i used to be and how i would have changed with the passing years. There was still a friend out there who admitted to having thought of me sometimes when some randomness triggered a deep rooted memory. There was still a friend out there who knew how to make me smile at the silliest joke made on my expense and even make me cry by saying something unnervingly heartwarming. There was still a friend out there who dint want to hold the hand when i reached out and wanted to stay in the oblivion we all seem to create for ourselves these days. 

By the end of the day, i was amazed how happy i was. I still am trying to figure out what exactly made me so happy but its a strange kind of happy. More of a content kind of happy that i haven't felt in a long time. The kind of happy your romantic relation or your family can never make you. The kind of happy that only a special friend can make you. The kind of happy that anchors you and keeps you going a long time. The kind of happy that makes you want to go that extra mile to stay in touch with those who matter. With those who truly matter - those to whom you truly matter.

And that's what i am going to do. I am going to make Nostalgia my happy place - my go to place when i need to regain myself - my sanity - fighting for something that might not last forever anyway. A place where i do not have to be in mad rat-race. A place that knows me and a place i can call Home ... Away from Home.

CRACKS OF LIFE

Somehow we writers, poets, philosophers, linguists, dreamers, artists and so on .. are obsessed with the theme 'Life'! It's so overrated a topic that somehow it never loses to pique our interests! We just cannot stop ourselves from thinking, writing, singing, painting, drawing, sketching, creating something or the other trying to comprehend or sometimes not comprehend this twisted yet simple and still oh! so complex thing called 'Life'. Never gets old in our world.

So here's another, one of very many i have myself taken in the past decade that i have been actively writing, on Life. Have a look and let me know:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10158514752850545&set=a.10150307534810545.558558.842860544&type=3&theater

CRACKS OF LIFE

I spelt out my future plans one night

During an intimate conversation with a friend

Never realizing I actually was cracking a joke!

Don't believe me?

I wouldn’t have too; back when I was naive.

But I grew up

And so did my perceptions

Facts remained the same I guess

But some came out of hiding

While some put to sleep forever.

Life is a very funny thing

It can sometimes not be described in enough words

And sometimes cannot be explained

That what is inevitable takes ages to occur

And something so trivial – unwanted – happens at every nook & corner.

No matter what you read, hear, think, say or do

You can never amass enough knowledge

That would make you sail through this ride,

Without pain and dissatisfaction and remorse and regret

No matter what you believe

Life is always a few steps ahead of you

And however fast you run; you will somehow never be able to catch it – at least not in time.

-        PoeticSoul

WANDERER

I go places when I am sad;

Places that inspire me.

I go places when I feel lonely;

Places that comfort me.

I go places when I feel trapped;

Places that lets me taste freedom.

These places offer me solitude with a grace

An escapade from the mundane

A limitless sky to explore myself boundless

How I wish every time that these places be real

Coz they only are real in my imagination

Some people call it hallucinations

And call me ‘insane’

But I like to think I am a wanderer

With a beautiful mind that can create a world larger than life!

NAKED

Being in love is a wonderful feeling. Mostly because you know you are not alone and that you have someone with you, by your side for the rest of your life. That is why these days’ people marry unlike in the past when marriage was only for procreation. When love is involved, there is this satisfactory feeling that contents your heart that you have someone by your side to share. Human kind has never really lived fully without sharing. Sharing is one of the ways you can live life to the fullest. Love, faith, trust, understanding etc are surely the basis of any relationship but the reason behind any relationship being formed is “sharing”. Be it sharing joy or sorrow or both.

In a romantic relation be it boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife etc sharing is very essential. Especially in the institute of marriage; sharing is the epitome of any marital life. After marriage, a couple shares everything, literally. This made me to wonder tonight that, once you are married to someone you love; it’s so easy to be ‘naked’ in front of them. Gradually someday, you realize you can walk around without any piece of cloth in their presence or undress or dress up in front of them. The coyness or the hesitation just flies out of the window before you realize and that certain level of comfort suddenly escalates. That feeling is awesome... weird for those who haven’t had many relations before their marriage or haven’t been too physically involved with their husband before marriage.

Even after all of that physical “nakedness” being easy like a cakewalk, is it really easy to be naked mentally or emotionally in front of your partner? Human mind and heart has so many layers to shield it and keep it safe from being vulnerable. How many layers do we really unwrap in front of our partners or let them unwrap the same to know us better or to be our “life partner” / “soul mate” in true sense? We don't do it intentionally though may be but, we keep so much of our life, so much of us, dark and hidden from our partner. And if that is the case, is anyone really anyone’s true “soul mate”? Is that promise “I will be with you in all the bad and good times of life” really just words? Because visible ups and downs of life are very few....ups and downs of our mind and heart are uncountable... do we ever have anyone to hold us during those times? We might but don't take that chance because we are too scared... scared of being judged or misjudged, scared of not being accepted, scared of not being “perfect” in the eyes of that someone who we don't want to lose. Or simply scared that the devils of our minds and fears of our hearts might sway us away... or bind us in some chains that we’ll never be able to breakthrough...

It’s something to ponder about... let me know, what you think?

TRUE LOVE

Such a fairy-tale like term...at least for us...the people of this era...

True Love!

Many of us (rather most of us actually), despite all the books and movies and the great love stories that we have grown up with, go on to believe and propagate that True Love is a MYTH! That the happily ever after doesn't really exist. That love at the end is just a compromise or an arrangement that our mind makes to have a companion and end up giving it a socio legal label called "Marriage"!

We have always been hammered with the belief that "True Love finds you"! That has made us believe in destiny more than we should and gradually made us to curse destiny for more than it actually does! In the process of having an illusion or a delusion that destiny does it all, we somehow forgot that no matter how much good or bad our destiny wants to do to us, we cannot forget that we have our part to play... Nothing can actually, really happen unless we put or abstain to put an effort in it...

Today morning, read a quote somewhere, which goes like "True Love is not FOUND...it has to be BUILT"

Get that?

I did not at the first read...but then when I thought about it, it hold the very essence why most love stories end miserably with two miserable people left mourning about how they regret falling in love and all that roll.....
Coz we have been stuffed with the idea that true love finds you or has to be found and you have no role to play coz pairs are made in heaven and only your fate ... your destiny makes it happen...!

But ever did we think that, true love is something we can create? Love doesnt stand alone...isolated...it has a lot of components holding it to stand strong and tall...be it TRUSTING, CARING, UNDERSTANDING, SHARING, SUPPORTING, EMPATHIZING, BELIEVING, and a lot more... No denying that you need to meet that "special someone" with whom you feel that connection...that chemistry that you would wanna take it further with him/her...but then, once you have found that someone, its actually in your hands to make that love --- True! Make it the kind of love that has a happy ending...the kind of love that would last forever and ever... If you put in efforts and make sure you want it to last...it will! And if it lasts, IT IS TRUE! Coz pretense has a very short life...!

So, today morning was special and inspirational...
Thought to share this with you...................

Built your True Love and make it special and strong enough to last forever...and break the illusion that True Love is a MYTH........

I am gonna try my best to make my Love ... a TRUE LOVE......

ARE YOU?

Oh Hello MARRIAGE!

And so.... finally, this is it!

Well, isn't it obvious why i am writing about this? Yea...i am married...happy to my heart's content and all that roll...! But that doesn't change one bitter truth.. Marriages are tough! and mine just got tougher coz i moved countries rather continents in less than 15 days of my marriage and here i am ... from India the land of chaos to England...the land of noiseless creepy silence!

My friend says that i am living in a "postcard" and that even if i send a picture, taken from a totally non professional cell camera, it looks so beautiful as if it were a postcard or a painting...which is well *deep breath* true!!!! 

this place is extra ordinarily pretty and i love it that way but hello...this is not my land..not my country...not my people...not my language (well in a way it is but i miss talking in Hindi / Gujarati ) and ugggrrrhhhh SO SO SO SO not my weather...!! So my marriage becomes perfectly difficult... And thanks to being in a new country, Krishna Dasani - Advocate Gujarat High Court, here is jobless!!!!! which is so tough to swallow...it cuts like a knife...really does!!!

Anyway that's the country bit...but on personal front too, there is so much...living with someone under the same roof and sharing everything you could possibly imagine is not quiet easy... even in hostels and shared apartments, there are many things that aren't to be shared...but here, in a marriage, you gotta share everything..which initially is pretty tough no matter how madly you are in love!

In my case, well, we are both goddamn headstrong and at no cost would give up forget giving in!! And of course we both have our silly mood swings that keep coming on unexpected visits. Actually, its not the big things that bother that much, its the tiny things...those tiny things that irritate you and sometimes make you feel like you wanna jump off the cliff rather than be here....with all this...!!!

But hey....its worth it...at the end of the day when you think of the pros and the cons of it, you are sure in your heart that the pros certainly weigh much much more than those tiny lil things...

When the night falls and I am in his arms...safe and warm... I know that nothing really is as important as us being together...at that moment, nothing matters...no weather, no language, no joblessness, no compromises, no adjustments...nothing...nothing at all...coz at that moment what matters is that I am not alone...

Identity Crisis v/s Rebirth

It really has a very thin line, the two major terms of life:

1. Identity Crisis
&
2. Rebirth

And yes, this is in context of the BIGGEST event of a person's life: MARRIAGE!

I recently got engaged and again .... recently getting married. Its a very chaotic feeling inside... At times i do not know, how i am feeling and if i do know, its very difficult to describe or express or explain someone what's churning in my head and my heart. Day in and day out, all that hovers over your head is flashes of that D-Day and how things would roll. I used to think, all of this pre-wedding hypertension and anxiety is overrated. But oh boy! you only get to realize, it so isn't when you are in the same situation.

I am 26 years and 5 months old, i have lived a major chunk of my overall life with this name (assuming in the coming times, we all shall live for 50 years ;) ). And personally, i so have been obsessed with this name of mine. For various reasons, at different stages of life. My signature comprises of my title "dasani". My name has been my best flaunt all through my life. It has been my most prized possession. Being a lawyer, at the professional front, people don't know me as Krishna. People know me as Advocate Krishna Dasani. At the courts, if my name is mentioned somewhere, it is mentioned as "Learned Counsel Ms. Krishna Dasani". Lest all the ids that i have bear my name Krishna Dasani. As a poet, though popularly known as "Poetic Soul", the two books that i have authored in the past 3 years, bear: Ehsaas by Krishna Dasani and Winter of Hope by Krishna Dasani. This name as whole: KRISHNA DASANI is who i am, my identity!

But one fine morning, after my engagement, when the day of my marriage was fixed, i swallowed a lump in my throat and realized something that shook me!!!! Time to face the music sweetie, soon you have to leave behind the name you are so obsessed with. After a while, I no longer shall be Ms. Krishna Dasani, i shall be Mrs. Krishna Thakkar! SHIT !!!!!!!
I am not only leaving behind my family, my friends, my job, my career, my home, my room, my bed, my closet, my plate, so many of those things that were JUST mine, all this while, my town, my state, my COUNTRY, but also my IDENTITY! I am leaving behind my title....and my dad's name!

No doubt, the joy of bearing a new name, name of the person i love the most and from the depth of my heart cannot be measured, but the sorrow of leaving MY name behind also has no measure! So one night, while i was going through this forthcoming event of my life (name change not the wedding :D) i came to think if it is identity crisis. Coz if we look at the plainly, oh hell yea it is!!!! But when i looked at it closely, i realized, I am looking at it from a very different, a very negative angle! There ain't no doubt that my identity is gonna change....err no, go upside down! But, I certainly have better way of looking at it. This name change, is the first step towards blending into someone's world, for the rest of your life. The first step towards that new beginning cannot really start with such a negative approach.

Why call it Identity Crisis.........? Its my new life, new innings as they call it... Why not call it REBIRTH?

In my life, i have a new life awaiting...a whole new story, not just a chapter! New family to look up to and look after, new characters, new reasons, new twists, new plot, new beginnings, new endings, new dreams, new horizons... So how can it be something disturbing like Crisis.... It needs to be something more...something worthwhile, something i look forward to....

And so, i decided, it is my REBIRTH in this very birth and not IDENTITY CRISIS !!!!

my DADDY strongEST

When people say: Age is just a number, its rather a lil difficult to believe it to be true. But when i see this man, aging in number but not in life, i have no choice but to know, it's true to the hilt. My Dad turned 57 today....and he works and runs around like he is 27...

His running around for things seem endless. Not only coz he wants to achieve the things he has set his eyes / mind / heart on but also coz he is a perfectionist. He takes care of minutest things and pays attention to every detail. Its irritating at times coz it delays things or even complicates them further but when the work is done, we realize, every bit of that tension he took was necessary coz otherwise, the result wouldn't be so fine. Me and mom keep worrying for his health for he is ignorant towards it (like most men of his age are i guess) but he says nothing will happen to him and that life is just once, you cannot seem to worry about what will happen tomorrow and stop doing things you love the most (like eating fried and sweet things and sleeping late at night).

But all that apart, my daddy is a sweetheart. Right from childhood i remember the finest conversations I have had with him. The best food for soul and food for thought is from him. He has in all ways been the best person of my life and he inspires me in many ways. He is an idealist, a keen perfectionist, a die hard patriot, very head strong, genuinely philanthropic, truly generous, compassionate and warm.

He is versatility personified. He was a government servant for 22 years. He has been a national level TT player. He is a politician. A successful businessman. He is a social service enthusiastic. He is a public leader. He is a visionary. He is an organizer. He is an amazing friend who gave up his best stakes just to support his friend. He is the most encouraging husband who made my mom do things she never imagined she could do. He is a very loving son who does everything humanely possible to give a life that his mother (my daadi) would never have dreamt of. He is a stupendous father who has given me all that i wished for, dreamed for, asked for and even things i never wanted just coz he knew it would help in shaping up my identity. I have seen him give up on his dreams, his wishes, his desires and sacrifice money wise, health wise, emotion wise, time wise for even my tiniest of events.....be it my stage performance or my classes or a rehearsal or just a party. But all the more, He is an outstanding human being who is full of compassion, empathy and a dire undying desire to do good to fellow human beings and is working towards good causes for a very long time and i hope and pray God bestows his choicest blessings on him to continue doing the same for the rest of his life (just that he makes sure to take a lil care of his own health in the process of doing good to others)!!!

My daddy has struggled real hard through real bad financial crisis to give me the best. Not just something i needed but even the things i SHOULD have (according to him) to help me shine and be the best. All the fame that i have got till date is coz of him. All the honesty I have in life is coz i have seen him be honest and true to his conscious all this life. All the dreams that have come true for till today is coz he was always there as the back up plan. If i have learnt to fly high is coz i know, he is watching my back and he shall not let me fall. He has always gone out of his way to give me the happiness and joy to my heart's content. I just wish i can repay him someday in someway and make him proud and happy that all of his hardwork and sacrifices were worth.

I LOVE YOU PAPA....YOU ARE THE BEST AND YOU BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME.... <3

Hitched!!!!!

Its still only sinking in with great difficulty that i am finally there, where i never wanted to be! I look at my left hand's ring finger, see a shiny platinum love band and realize, so much in my life has changed, all but for good!!! :)

Poor thing, my Fiancé, i tell him "it feels like nothing between us has changed..."! May be that's coz i somehow feel the same way for him and for us, may be much stronger now... Coz the love was always there, the distances (physical ones) were always there and the connection we shared has always been, right there... Or may be it is because, it still has to sink in completely that i am ENGAGED !! and soon to get MARRIED !!

A place i never wanted to be...and today i am looking forward to the day when i am his and he is mine, in all ways possible! :)

It's a good feeling, good actually is an understatement, it's an amazing feeling...to be a part of someone's life, someone's world, someone's family, someone's very being and being such an important part that everything around seems to be changing in a beautiful manner...

Golden period people say is the courting period i.e. the time between the engagement and the wedding...but our golden period has only thousands of miles, whatsapp, phone calls and webcam sessions :( it's a terrible thing to be not able to see him till the time, the marriage actually happens. But all said and done, i have no regrets.. Coz i had an amazing time with him (in spirit so far and in person)... and i feel really really lucky that love came along my way in such a splendid manner...coz he has a heart of gold...and loves me jus the way i want *touchwood*

i look fwd to know him better, understand his pain and be a part of his life in a way that nothing / no one can separate us...Ironies rule life in every manner... i was headstrong against getting married and today i cannot wait to take that road with him and build a new world with him... :)

Now, i do not fear a thing and do not mind saying out loud: I LOVE YOU!!!!

hEaRtbReaKs

Another heartbreak !!!

Do i really have to courage to face it, once more, all over again?
I am asking this question to myself a lot often these days...coz i am really really scared of how things will turn out... the countdown has begun and there are just a few days left before things would be actually be decided... 

hEaRtbReaKs are freakin' mad !! aren't they? We all (whether or not we admit) have faced heartbreaks in life at least once...and we all know, they hurt so bad !!

I am looking fwd in life today with dreams that are really colorful and i am really hoping that my dreams come true (very obvious)... but if these dreams DO NOT come true, i shall be soon living a nightmare of my own make .....

And I do not know, if i have the strength to live it... !!!

How i wish feelings had a sort of a switch.. !! you can switch it on or off whenever you want to.. life would be so much easier... !! but again, i think, why do something like that? Life is just once... if you don't live every phase of yo life to the fullest / if you don't feel ever inch of yo emotions / if you don't closely look at every scar the bleeding wounds left / if you don't cherish every joy and every special moment's mesmerizing effect, what life have you lived !!!!

TRUE THAT !!!

The move you love, the more vulnerable you get yourself... to the pain, the agony, the frustration..but on the flip side, why forget that if you love more... you are more exposing yourself to those you love to love you back...care for you...and coz you make them feel special, do you not feel special yourself? ofcoz you do... its an elated feeling to love someone with all your heart...even tho you know not, what's in store for you... !!! :)

forgetting someone who gave you a lot to remember, is one of the toughest things to do and when such a time comes, that's when you say that you have had a heartbreak

Time and life is uncertain and unpredictable...no matter what i think...what i fear...what i wish or what i hope... life has its own decided course and things are going to exactly flow in that pre chalked out manner... but if ...heartbreak is what's in store for me... i wish and pray and hope that i am bestowed with abundant strength... to move on and forget the past....... AS SOON AS I CAN with lesser pain .. and agony...

MEANT TO BE

Somehow I am coming across a lot of things that depict a picture of autumn or autumn leaves. It’s strange! In the beginning I did not notice this. But after a while it became something I would keenly observe, being aware. Everywhere I go, I somehow tend to see the autumn or autumn trees that’s shedding its dried leaves… !

Recently I went to a hobby store to buy a few things I needed to make holiday greetings and there the first thing I saw was a clipboard full of autumn leaves and falling leaves… I went to buy a certain kitchen wear and there too I see coffee mugs n serving trays with autumn leaves… these are some I wanted to quote else there are so many such instances… ! It really got me thinking coz I am someone who has grown to believe that nothing in life, happens as a coincidence. It’s all part of the story written for you…part of an Ala Grand plan. It all has a meaning. Nothing happens without a reason. There is a purpose in every event, big or small. Everything that comes to you, it’s a sign. If you can catch it, life becomes a tad bit easier else you can still manage.

So, getting back to the autumn leaves! Well I am at that stage of life, where things in store are clear yet blurred. None of us ever know what future holds, true that. But when a certain event begins to shape up and everything else starts to fall in place to let that event begin in the way it is planned, your dreams / hopes / anticipations / predictions / desires start to froth on the surface and you begin to picture your tomorrow according. The beauty of this is that the future is still unknown but the hopes we carry makes us visualize a certain future and in our heads, we see the events happening. But of course, all of that won’t essentially happen the way we have pictured. But that doesn't stop us from doing so; even if it makes us oh! So vulnerable!!! :)

I have been doing this since last few weeks. My hopes about a certain event are brimming high. I have visualized a certain set of days so many times in my head that they almost seem real to me now. But all of this, doesn't mean, it shall all happen the way I have pictured it in my head! There are 50% chances (or so I think) of these things to go the way I have pictured it in my head and so 50% chances that they go in the complete opposite direction…!

I guess seeing the falling autumn leaves, I am to learn to know, that it is OKAY! If what I dream of is meant to be it will find its way. If it’s not meant to be, no matter what is done, by whatever means, it shall somehow end up being a mess and not happen. How much ever pain the trees or the leaves might have to suffer, when the leaves fall from the tree, the tree survives and the leaves accept their destiny and sways with the blowing wind to find its destiny, whatever that is. But that shall not stop me from hoping or dreaming, I dunno how it's ought to be, but that’s how it shall be with me!! :)

Looking forward to my tomorrow, where I have a few hopes and dreams waiting to turn to reality but in the deep dark nights, I am preparing myself for the worst outcome that could be and have the courage to accept and face the situation. Coz if that is what happened, that was meant to be !!! Maybe not now, but few years down the line, I shall look back and understand, why all that happened, whatever that happened, good or bad was momentary, in the end it’s all good!!! :)

If Only

IF ONLY...........

These two words, now mean a lifetime to me. I could have never imagined love would knock at my door in such a majestic way. They say when artists n poets are in love, its beauty all the way... May be i dint believe in that until today..! True that, since the day love has decided to stay on in my life, yes beauty has been lingering in everything around me. Love does that to you may be. No matter where you are or what you are doing, no matter how bad or dull the day is, no matter how sickening or annoying the situations are, you are happy from within, if you are in love! Strange as it gets, and as filmy or cheesy it may sound, it surely is the sheer truth...you may or may not believe it ...but that's the way it is...

Whoever said love happens just once? How can something so fulfilling and something so beautiful just happen once? Good things come to you in many shapes n sizes, all the time, you just need to make sure you have not shut yo self and you shall never miss it. Its a farce when people say you fall in love just once... Gravity does that to you, unless you have someone to catch you and keep you safe in their arms for the rest of the life, you keep falling in love, again and again and again ... And once you have that special someone in yo life, the magic of life n love makes you fall in love again and again and again, with the SAME person, all  your life... :)

L0ve.. is a crazy wonderful beautiful thing that makes you believe that dreams can come true, that reality can be better than fantasy, that hopes can bear fruits, that desires do have a means to get done, that magic is not just a word! Especially when you get the commendable feeling of "THIS IS IT" for someone and you start to plan yo every move, yo ever action keeping that person in the core, yo world gets a new direction and you get a whole new shiny reason to live and be happy.......be happier than ever before...!!!

Somehow i feel like i can go on n on n on about love and its great attributes today and the way i feel since a while...but i rest my words here and get back to feeling AwEsoMe .......

Happiness cannot to DEPENDENT on anyone!

Past few weeks I have been very lost … not exactly sad but really really lost! Confused you can say… but not exactly that way coz I am straightened up in my head… and been busy too so never really got the time to sit down and dissect my state of mind until today of course…

My problem is that I am an incorrigible person. I never learn. Neither from my mistakes nor from others’ mistakes… I many a times calling something as a “lesson learnt the hard way” but again find myself doing the same thing over n over again…!

So in the past few days or weeks may be what I have been doing is that I am following my heart and doing exactly what I want to do, without much ado… but in turn I am making my very happiness dependent on others..! In a good way mostly but I am doing that…and I know it’s wrong! It is so very wrong… esplly if you love that other person, how can you ever burden them with this? This idea that your happiness is in their hands... Isn’t that being selfish? Like so very selfish!!!

So today after I am done analyzing my state my mind, I am deciding that my state of mind is not gonna be anything but “Happy”!!! Coz happiness after all, however cliqued it might sound, IS MOST definitely a state of mind…

Giving away, expressing, loving, caring, being there, understanding….all of this, I do, coz I get a good feeling out of this…!! I agree, as a human being I am bound to expect and when expectation are not fulfilled I am bound to get hurt, so let it be! That fear of getting hurt, should not and WILL NOT change who or how I am!!!!!

I am no more going to be lost or confused or sad…coz that’s not what I deserve after doing exactly what my heart wanted me to do…if I know I have done no wrong, if I know what I did; gave me a good feeling, if I know I did the very same that I wanted to do, why should it depend of its result to be complete? It is as difficult as easy it sounds, but I am gonna give it a good shot… I am gonna keep the two events separate!!! Something like this:

1. I did what I wanted to do

2. I got whatever the other person wanted to give/do.

These two things are two separate events, executed by two different people, at different times, with different point of view and understanding so they cannot be the part of the same event and because the second one is not something I expected it to be, it is not gonna let me down…feel blue or lost or sad or confused or devastated…

I need to believe again that I WILL NEVER BE GIVEN PAIN THAT I CANNOT TAKE…!!!

So I am gonna take chances

Do hell if I fail!

I am gonna love,

Do hell if I don’t get it back!

I am gonna chase the sunshine,

Do hell if I burn my skin a li’l!

I am gonna be there for the people who matter to me,

Do hell if I am left alone in dark!

I am gonna care for the things that need care,

Do hell if my needs are never catered to!

I am gonna dream on,

Do hell if I fall flat on my face!

I am gonna express how I am feeling,

Do hell if I am judged!

I am gonna share my feelings,

Do hell if I am rendered vulnerable!

J I am gonna smile, come what may… I am gonna hope, at every cost… I am gonna never stop being me – no matter however strong the luring is to be someone else!!!!

this NOVEL phase of life

Have you ever felt that suddenly,

everything that was scattered all around the place,

has now started making sense...?

Have you ever smiled all day long,

just thinking about some past conversation you had,

which if asked about,

you wont be able to narrate...?

Have you ever thought about someone so much,

that you start to fall in love

with the very idea of that person being in your life...?

Have you ever hummed songs and when

you find that they perfectly fit the situations,

in your life at a given moment,

and so laughed about it...?

Have you ever had a time when you cannot sleep at night,

just coz you cant stop thinking-rethinking and anticipating,

about how a certain those things will fall in place

and get upset at a moment; fearing it would all fall apart...?

Have you ever wondered,

why a certain someone would become so important to you,

that you would not see your day ending without having spent

some time with them, in some way or the other... ?

All of this a lot more is happening with me off late and i am truly enjoying this novel phase of life!!!

The MATRIMONIAL sites' Era!!!

You wouldn't know a certain things unless you face them / experience them yourself -- True that .... 

For my entire life, the one thing that i had been joking about, since two days has been playing a very tricky role in my life!!!

I was of the strong opinion during my late teens that "arrange marriages" are boring-dull-lifeless & totally out dated (i guess like most teens believe, thanks to all the mills n boons and Bollywood-Hollywood movies that soars up your idea of romance to different skies, that somehow, don't really exist). And just after i tasted reality in many ways, i came to the opinion that arrange marriages are better over love marriages, for one and more reasons and the famous taboo that most divorce cases are usually "love marriages"!!

Also, somehow i fell in love with the idea that two people, of different but same worlds, come together, decide in a very short span that THIS IS IT, get together to spend rest of their lives together and strive to know each other layer by layer and gradually fall in love (sometimes head over heels). I somehow went on to believe that such kind of love is stronger, grows deeper and keeps you on your toe all the while!!!! Already sounds exciting...doesn't it??? It does to me...

So, now that i am off age, things at my end regarding marriage and all, started steaming up... Sometimes here n there, by someone or the other, on serious notes or otherwise, started coming up in some or the other forms and ofcoz i got clear indications about my steps ahead on this unknown path of life, which would be leading me to a whole new world, that i would be having to call my own!!!

And after having a heart-to-heart discussion with my close friends and family, i came to the conclusion that, If its all about giving it a shot, why not... We experiment in many things in life...then why not this one... MARRIAGE as they say is made in heaven but is to be worked out ...here...on earth! And ofcoz its the biggest gamble you play in your life, blind or not, known or not, sure or not, it is the greatest chance that you take...and if you make it, you are the happiest person alive and if not............urrmmm lets not get there ;)

Yeah, so finally i gave up my inhibition and agreed that i am ready to "LOOK" around for a suitable match and see how things work, taking them forward, one step at a time, you know! But, has life always been so predictable and simple? Naaaaah! So here we go... i like "I" .....first shocker to my friends that "I" got myself registered on one of the most popular matrimonial sites....at first for the heck of it.....but then, after a while, i got curious so started giving a look here n there....and then after hearing a few super bad experiences from my friends, who are on the same site and getting all the more skeptical about it, i met someone on the very same site... to his request i am concealing his identity...lets but call him PT....so PT happened, after a few formalities of the site, we got on to chat...then mail a lot often and then on the phone! One night -- 10 hours -- thousands of miles apart -- i am talking to a stranger, like we have been buddies since forever who lost touch for a few years and now are catching up!

The connection was instant... !!! Not saying i am totally sure that this is it or that i m head over heels in love but then, we hit it off like house on fire!!! Otherwise, who talks for 10 hours on an international call for the very first time to someone they know nothing about!!!!!!!!!

It was....all of it...was astonishing and crazy and insane and interesting and curious and fun and good...but more than anything else, it was like an indication, that may be we can take things further, just on the reason that "We can talk"!!! For the kind of person i am, i dont usually open up to people at ease...nor would i be comfortable talking about itter-bitter things with someone i have never met and know nothing about...but i did... and so did he...

And while talking, i somehow got this thought hovering over my head that these matrimonial sites aren't really arranged marriage, they are refined version of love marriage...coz unlike in arranged marriages, where the parents first meet and then if they are okay with everything, the kids are involved, given less time and its decided...here, the individuals themselves are involved, they interact, for however long they want to and then if things work out between them, they get the family involved....

But yet again, i have second thoughts, i think these matrimonial sites are a middle point of the two extremes of Love marriage and Arranged marriage... This thought came when a friend asked .. so would you call it love marriage or arranged marriage and i was dumbstruck...bcoz it is neither but it is both of that in a way... As of now, things are dwindling in the air with me and PT... so we are taking it slow (not really :P but yea in a way) and lets see, what future holds for the two of us or for each of us...!

And the thing that i laughed and joked about a few years back, is at the moment, given me some most astonishing and interesting hours of my life ....of conversations with PT...and i have my *fingers crossed*

Life truly is very uncertain

And we have to be ready for surprises ... 

at every point of life ... 

coz you never know, 

which one of these surprises might change yo life, 

forever and for the better!!!