The Moral Compass

There have been times when I have hated myself for being the way I am. Not physically – that’s an entirely different realm; but more emotionally – messed up in my head. I feel like the way I am in my head, makes me so fragile - easy to break. Hurt. Shatter even. It’s not easy to know how you feel at every juncture in your life and confront those emotions head on. But I do it, not for anyone else but for myself. So as to know where I stand in life, to assess myself and introspect honestly, when need be. Because, if I can’t do that, I don't think I can ever write. Emotions can turn into words on life-like canvas only when the colours are of honesty I believe. And I cannot afford to ever let that go. I may wear masks as soon as I wake up for the world around me including my first circle of friends and family but when with myself, I should exactly know who and how I am. And most of the times, I do know that. I am not always pleased or proud of it but at least I know. But it makes me think, I have come a long way in the way I think, the way I feel, the way I understand myself. There was I time I remember when my demarcations of moral and immoral – black and white – right and wrong was so watertight, absolutely rigid. And so were my emotions attached to these. But now, I have come to believe, the world is all but grey. There is nothing completely white or entirely black. What may look as totally wrong might have hints of right in it waiting to be discovered and vice versa. you can hardly ever be cent percent sure as to what is right and what is not. I have come to believe that morality is merely an individual choice. What is moral for me may not exactly be moral for the next person – be it my partner or my own parents. They are different people and they CAN have their own rights and wrongs. I have also put my parents on a level pedestal unlike the past where they were on the highest pedestal in my world. In my eyes they could not – SHOULD not do any wrong. But times changed and I am now starting to realize, they are as human as I am and they cannot always be right. They can make mistakes and have their own realm of good and bad. And it is none of my business to judge them on those grounds. If there is something that they have done/said which is wrong in my books, I have a choice to accept that as it is or despise it but that in no way gives me the right to put them in a box and behave in a certain manner, they do not deserve. But coming to think about it, can I apply the same logic for my spouse? Can I say that what he does in his life is none of my business and that what is wrong for me may or may not be right for him? And that if ever such time comes, I would be able to accept that and not judge him? Or would that be a bitter instance that will bring out the worst in me?

Only time can tell, it would be wrong to say that for now because you cannot learn all of life’s lessons in a fortnight!

DEPRESSION

Depression is a strong word. Very strong. But in today's world perhaps we have lost its meaning. As if our entire perception has gone down the drain.

A little trouble to get by and we say we are 'depressed'.
One wrong step towards the goal and we feel we are 'depressed'.
That crush din't mirror our feelings and hell we are slipping into a huge 'depression'.
An argument we din't expect (with a loved one, with the manager, with a friend) and we sink in the seat feeling 'depressed'.
A cherished dream's wings are jaded and we want to run and hide...why? of course, because we are depressed.

If only depression was just that. If only....
All of the above are unpleasant feelings but they all are called either RAGE, ANGER, ANXIETY, BITTERNESS, FRIGHT, FEAR, HELPLESSNESS, NERVOUSNESS or STRESS etc....

Depression is a whole lot bigger than all these. it bears much more to it. Depression is not something you 'slip into' just like that, nor something you can get out of easily. Depression is a trap that lures you in meticulously and gradually and not until it has its claws deep inside you - tearing you apart do you actually realise the horrifying truth - that maybe you are depressed.

Depression breaks people, not just their dreams. Depression haunts people - much worse than a one off nightmare. We are only belittling the depths and horrors of depression by associating it with every sad and distressful event.

Somethings can be tremendously heart wrenching and make you cry out loud day in-day out but still not necessary it is synonymous to the dark feeling of depression. It really is sad to see depression becoming a 'fad'. Almost everyone is glamorising it - glorifying it in the process of raising awareness for it. It's sad to see people using it for moment in limelight - for a fraction of fame. Like if you say you are depressed, it means everything in life is a scary mess and that you truly need all the sympathy and attention in the world. Whereas in reality, i believe, the people who are truly depressed are lonely and the feeling of not being able to tell anyone how they really feel is eating them alive. Those who have truly 'suffered' with depression know way too well how tormenting it is. It's a dark dark place. A dungeon that has no sliver of hope or ray of light shining far away. It's infinite darkness and the only smiles are the fake one plastered on their faces to fool everyone around them.

It certainly isn't a feeling one can openly share. Party because of the lack of awareness for it and partly because of too much of it, so much so that these days depression is no longer a sanctuary of demons but just another 'get on with it' feeling which no one seems to take on seriously. And because not everyone actually 'suffers' from it - they can never put themselves in others' shoes to gauge the magnitude of its intensity. No one can....

That's the simple but the bitter harsh truth.

Nostalgia

It has been a while since i made an effort to revisit the beautiful and sometimes haunting memory lane of my life that define who i am in so many ways. It has been a while since i let my past take over my present and who i have now become, that i had almost forgotten the taste of those bittersweet tears that pluck up in your eyes the moment you think of something that held so much importance for you in the past. Something that you would have thought would be impossible to live without and here you are, having moved on from all that, living a complete different life. May be not as good or as bad in some corners but completely different.

Today was one such day when i let myself get lost in the meadows of nostalgia. Breathing in the freshness of the vivid colours of the memories that flooded and exploded in my head like a rush of infinite sparks. And oh i am glad i did. I had forgotten that at times you need it. You need to remember and reminiscence the time gone by. To let the breeze of good old days touch you and make you feel more alive than you may already feel. Let the crisp memories drenched in your former self whisper to you that its okay. That change is the only constant thing and its okay. You have come far in life and you are in an almost happy place and its okay. Its okay to look back every once in a while and smile at the bygones. Its okay to feel that tinge of guilt or regret for the decisions not taken or the choices not made or those unspoken words or of those frozen tears that were never shed. I think it only makes you stronger.

Letting the tears you have tucked away; freely flow only lightens the burden in your chest and clear your vision. It only helps you feel better about today, take control of yourself and makes you more determined that what you are doing now, where you are now is how it was supposed to be and that you should be thankful. Thankful for all the emotions you got to feel. All the experiences you got to learn. All the events you got to enjoy. All the exploring you got to do while being on this journey called life.

I decided to connect to those lost friends today, the friends that once shaped my life in a way that i never imagined it could be shaped. Reached out to a few that were so close to my heart at one point that i never really imagined my life without them being in it. But things happen, priorities change and life gets in way. We all have our battles to fight, struggles to endure and not everyone can cope with it to always stay in touch with everyone that is precious. But time and again i had this stabbing pain in my heart for the souls i knew were out there, souls who once meant the world to me, souls i knew somewhere in the corner of my heart; missed me as much as i missed them.

And while doing so, i felt a certain calm seeping into me. It made me more aware of my surroundings and where i am, not physically, but emotionally. Engaged my feelings in a way that only i could understand. Something that ebbed and flowed only within me. There was still a friend out there who i spoke with after years but started off where we left it. There was still a friend out there who remembered the way i used to be and how i would have changed with the passing years. There was still a friend out there who admitted to having thought of me sometimes when some randomness triggered a deep rooted memory. There was still a friend out there who knew how to make me smile at the silliest joke made on my expense and even make me cry by saying something unnervingly heartwarming. There was still a friend out there who dint want to hold the hand when i reached out and wanted to stay in the oblivion we all seem to create for ourselves these days. 

By the end of the day, i was amazed how happy i was. I still am trying to figure out what exactly made me so happy but its a strange kind of happy. More of a content kind of happy that i haven't felt in a long time. The kind of happy your romantic relation or your family can never make you. The kind of happy that only a special friend can make you. The kind of happy that anchors you and keeps you going a long time. The kind of happy that makes you want to go that extra mile to stay in touch with those who matter. With those who truly matter - those to whom you truly matter.

And that's what i am going to do. I am going to make Nostalgia my happy place - my go to place when i need to regain myself - my sanity - fighting for something that might not last forever anyway. A place where i do not have to be in mad rat-race. A place that knows me and a place i can call Home ... Away from Home.

CRACKS OF LIFE

Somehow we writers, poets, philosophers, linguists, dreamers, artists and so on .. are obsessed with the theme 'Life'! It's so overrated a topic that somehow it never loses to pique our interests! We just cannot stop ourselves from thinking, writing, singing, painting, drawing, sketching, creating something or the other trying to comprehend or sometimes not comprehend this twisted yet simple and still oh! so complex thing called 'Life'. Never gets old in our world.

So here's another, one of very many i have myself taken in the past decade that i have been actively writing, on Life. Have a look and let me know:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10158514752850545&set=a.10150307534810545.558558.842860544&type=3&theater

CRACKS OF LIFE

I spelt out my future plans one night

During an intimate conversation with a friend

Never realizing I actually was cracking a joke!

Don't believe me?

I wouldn’t have too; back when I was naive.

But I grew up

And so did my perceptions

Facts remained the same I guess

But some came out of hiding

While some put to sleep forever.

Life is a very funny thing

It can sometimes not be described in enough words

And sometimes cannot be explained

That what is inevitable takes ages to occur

And something so trivial – unwanted – happens at every nook & corner.

No matter what you read, hear, think, say or do

You can never amass enough knowledge

That would make you sail through this ride,

Without pain and dissatisfaction and remorse and regret

No matter what you believe

Life is always a few steps ahead of you

And however fast you run; you will somehow never be able to catch it – at least not in time.

-        PoeticSoul

WANDERER

I go places when I am sad;

Places that inspire me.

I go places when I feel lonely;

Places that comfort me.

I go places when I feel trapped;

Places that lets me taste freedom.

These places offer me solitude with a grace

An escapade from the mundane

A limitless sky to explore myself boundless

How I wish every time that these places be real

Coz they only are real in my imagination

Some people call it hallucinations

And call me ‘insane’

But I like to think I am a wanderer

With a beautiful mind that can create a world larger than life!